You lost me at “gerbil dick”.

“Gigantic” is another one of those films that attempts to show us that rich successful white people have problems too. People describe this sort of film as quirky or something that falls into the category of that newly coined genre of cutesy hipster films, TWEE, which include easily forgettable flops like “Away We Go” and “Sunshine Cleaning”. Put bluntly, this film is simply awkward. If its aim is to have us feel empathy for the main character’s sense of alienation, this film at least succeeds in alienating the audience. The plot revolves around youthfully depressed mattress salesman Brian, played by Paul Dano, and his quest to adopt a Chinese baby, a concept a little bit offensive and a lot contrived. But wait, it’s a love story. Just as Brian takes the steps to purchase his black market baby, a pretty girl wanders into his store and falls asleep on one of his mattresses. Her name is Happy (I know… sigh…), and is played by Zooey Deschanel–more on that in just a bit.

Despite its inclination toward pretension, “Gigantic” isn’t all bad. Tender moments are touched on by sage-like veteran actor Ed Asner, who’s role as the aging patriarch guides us along hallucinogenic mushroom trips while conversely struggling with the confounds of modern technology, i.e. cell phones. Those with 80-year-old parents or grandparents can relate… with the cell phone part, I mean. John Goodman also appears as Happy’s zealot of a father, supplying probably the most subdued Goodman-esque psycho movie persona.

But I digress, “Gigantic” is really about Zooey Deschanel, or rather a lack of her. Is it me, or does this look like a Zooey stand-in? I know the film-makers are gunning for those independent points with off-beat humor, drugs and elderly character actors, but what is going on with Zooey? First of all, she doesn’t look like herself, sound like herself or act like herself. I couldn’t tell if she had plastic surgery or if she was on a lot of drugs. Either way, it only added to this film alienating me as an audience. I feel sorry for this film, and for Zach Galifinakis, who appears as some strange 300 Spartan reject bent on terrorizing (murdering?) Dano’s Brian–really, this film doesn’t need him to do that. It kills itself.

Opens April 3rd, 2009.

Summary: watch it if you’re fans of the actors, but don’t pay for it. the plot falls flat, but you don’t have to take my word for it.

p.s. it should be noted the “gerbil dick” cameo is supplied by Leven Rambin from the failing Terminator: Sarah Conner Chronicles… you know you watch it… shut up, i don’t know why i watch it either…